chapter four

~Dear Lover~

I awoke around 3 or 4 at night, only to discover I was still alone in the house. I would have to get dressed for my half-day at school in a few hours. I fell weak as soon as I stood up and the room began to spin. I felt hungover. 

I got dressed and packed up my things, then left them beside the door. I will come back to get them after school, I decided. It was 6:30 and the sky was still dark&gloomy&empty. I walked three blocks then stopped dead in my tracks. Oskar? He was sitting alone at a bus stop looking tired&worked to the bone. I walked over to him slowly still not sure it was really Oskar. He turned his head to reveal a black eye and covered his face. A chill ran down my spine and I sat next to him.

"What happened?" I asked.

"My step-dad." He tried to hold back tears&disappointment in his voice.

"Why did he hit you?" 

"Because he hit my mom then I stabbed him in the back of his shoulder with a--fork," He hesitated and then shifted uneasily, afraid someone might hear, "She made me leave and I told her I never wanted to see her again."

I gasped only slightly and wrapped my arms around his frail waist. "You can stay with.. Sassy&Gabe&I if you want. Gabriel always said I had a place with them and I really don't care now if I'm a burden, it's better then staying at my house.."

Oskar looked at me with held-back tears in his eyes and leaned in to kiss me. "Thank you," 

I let Oskar in the house and then locked the door behind me, leaving a note on the counter explaining why there was a strange Swedish boy in Gabe&Sassy's home. I only hoped Sassy wouldn't try to get it on with him.

The day at school dragged on and soon came lunch, i was thankful for that. I hurried home to see   Gabe&Sassy staring at sleeping Oskar on the couch.

"He's gorgeous," Sassy squeaked with delight.

"He's young," Gabe reminded.

"He looks like a virgin!" Sassy giggled and hopped up and down.

Gabe shook his head, "Idiot," Gabe shifted his weight slightly and then headed for his bedroom door, "I'm going to bed, come along Sherman."

Sassy shrunk down and looked at Gabe with hateful eyes, "Fine." Sassy reluctantly followed his lover into the bedroom then shut the door, paying no mind to me at all.

"You heard it all didn't you?" I said, sitting down across from Oskar.

"I don't want to be raped by them," Oskar said with his eyes still closed.

I laughed aloud and quickly cupped my hands over my mouth. "I don't think Gabe will rape you, But i'd keep an eye on Sherman." I joked.

"Thank's for letting me stay Bella. I really have no where else to go and no one to turn too.. We aren't even a couple and already I'm living with you," Oskar blushed and sat up to look me in the eyes.

I blushed too and said, "We could be.."

"Will you?" Oskar bit his bottom lip which made him that much more attractive.

I nodded and sat next to him, "I understand what it's like to be left out and .. hurt." I tried to comfort. Oskar nodded and fell back to sleep on the couch.  I sat there for a while then found myself sitting at the park listening to "Social Distortion - Dear lover."

I sang along quietly, memorizing the mesmerizing words. 

" dear lover, i can't take the pain no more, dear lover, i pick my heart up off the floor, dear lover, i can't believe it's come to this, dear lover, give me one last painful kiss"

Flared with energy i was. Though i wasn't sure at all why.

 when i returned home, to my home, with my mom, the house was up for sale, and the furniture was gone.  she left me.. she really left. I touched my fingers to my lips and tears stained my cheeks. i wasn't aware i was crying until Sassy got out of his car and wrapped his arms around me.

"You have a forever place with us then. come on..," He tried to put me in the car, but i didn't move so easily. i was in fact - petrified.

 I sat on the edge of the couch in Gabe's apartment. 

"I'm so sorry that happened," Oskar stated,

 I nodded and pressed my face to his chest. i never wanted him to let go. I felt like he was my only safe place - my only home. 

Chapter three - Dear Diary

:Diary Post:

Dear diary,


I'm currently staying at my gay best friend's house while he and his boyfriend are out dancing and drinking. I figured i'd start a diary just for my well-being. I work at a library but don't get paid, and i can only work on Friday's and Saturdays. I don't go to school after lunch because I take online classes. I only tell my best friend - sassy - everything and anything and i feel like i can't get out or tell him enough so I've decided to buy&confide in you. I've decided to name you Maoii.
I am currently seeing a Swedish boy named Oskar I have known for a while-- a few months actually - but never had the guts to talk to. He asked me out yesterday and I almost shit my pants. He took me to dinner and it was nice, but it had to end, a little to fast I think.
My mother's an alcoholic and I get bullied at school for my MPD. Mpd= Multiple Personality Disorder.
I think Oskar is the love of my life and I HOPE  i'm his.
My dad died when I was 8 years old. He was in the army and was shipped to face the Taliban. He died dramatically trying to save the innocent lives the Taliban were targeting. He was my best friend and my forever safety. My sister Adalina died too of a drug overdose at 17 which is why I get on Sassy about drugs&drinking. My mother loved Adalina more then me so when Addy died, She started drinking and blamed Addy's death on me.  
I was an accidental birth. 
-Bella

Chapter two

So today I decided to sit around in my room and lay on my bed watching the popcorn ceiling change along with the spinning fan that looked like it had 100 pellers spinning around it.  Oskar kept finding his way into my mind and i just kept pushing him out. I didn't feel like missing him because If I did then i'd feel even lonelier. 

Sassy called and snapped me out of my daze. He asked me to meet him at the park so I agree'd. It was surprisingly sunny today and it was only noon. Sassy had long blue hair that was always spiked and no matter what the weather was-- he wore a fishnet shirt, and black skinny jeans. His snakebites shined in the light. Sassy's real name was Sherman but hated it so much he asked all of his friends to call him Sassy or Sasilian. He's completely comfortable with his sexuality-- Gay. He's like my brother though and always has stood up for me. At one point I really liked Sasilian but I found out he was Gay and backed off. He actually was the one who encouraged me to find out so much about Oskar...... I feel like a creeper now.

"Hey Sas," I smiled and sat next to him on a swing. He looked a little drunk--I couldn't blame him. His family disowned him when they discovered his sexuality so he took up drinking and stays with his boyfriend Gabriel. 

"Hey there Bells," I was mistaken-- Sassy wasn't drunk, he was high.

"You really shouldn't mess with your body like that Sassy," 

"What do you mean? I'm a grown man I can do whatever I want with my body. It's sexy, right?" I couldn't help but laugh a little but it wasn't a "Oh you're funny," laugh, it was an "Oh you're full of yourself grow up," laugh. 

"But you're only 17.. You still have things you can do with your life. Instead you're ruining it with alcohol and drugs." 

"I do have a life, I work at Olive Garden and make 10 dollars every 30 minutes. That's more then you make at that silly library," Sassy spit coldly.

"I don't make any at that 'silly library.' I do it for free because i'd rather be stuck there then stuck at home and you know that," I flared.

"Let me buy you an ice cream," Sassy and I never fought. And if we had an argument, he'd immediately apologize with buying me something even if I said no. I followed Sassy downtown to  an ice cream store called 'Tortilla's Helado.' Which didn't make sense to me .. Tortilla Ice? I guess it was cute but it shouldn't be the name of an ice cream store.

We sat down near the window and I ordered a vanilla ice cream in a cup with rainbow sprinkles. Sassy got an iced tea. 

"How's school?" Sassy looked around at the men in the Ice cream shop. He was unimpressed and turned to look at me.

I shrugged solemnly. "It's school. How is it supposed to be? It's hard and not fun at all because of my personalities always taking over. It's why I leave at lunch," Sassy was the only one who knew about my 'Multiple Personality Disorder.' He's told me about them but some of them scare him and threaten him so he's terrified to tell me most times. Sassy was my closest friend and sometimes I thought my only friend. Besides Amanda who put books away at the Library, but she was 45 year's old and she was more of an acquaintance then a friend. We ocationally exchanged looks and even held 2 minute conversations, but I think Sassy is the closest thing to me. 

Sassy laughed and took a bite of my ice cream. "Ew," He shuddered, "Carbs."

I had spent the entire day attached at Sassy's hip, then he drove me home then I asked him if I could sleep at his house with Gabriel and himself. Sassy said it would be fine but Gabe&Himself   were going clubbing. I ran inside and gathered all of my things only to find my mother passed out on the couch. I felt really bad and pulled a blanket over her and placed a pillow under her head. I kissed her goodbye and raced down the steps to Sassy's car. I climbed in and announced we could leave.

Sassy looked at me awkwardly then reluctantly drove home. They lived in an apartment on the fifth floor, the highest. It was decorated with beautiful luxurious furniture. The walls were a cream color and the rug was the whitest  white I had ever seen. There were paintings all over the walls and a giant flat screen tv hanging over a table with pictures of Gabe&Sassy. There was also a cream couch and a glass coffee table.

The counters were all white marble and the fridge was steal like the other houseware. It was a three bedroom 2 bath. Gabe adored me and always said I could live with them if things got bad or if I needed too but I felt to much of a burden to accept. Sassy would feel burdened -- I know this because he hates taking care of anyone who isn't Gabe even though he loves me as his own. I could never ask that much of them.

Then when they left, It was just me and the magnificent empty house.

chapter one

~ ~

It had finally stopped raining, or, so I thought. I grabbed my stitched up bag and dragged myself out of my not-so-comfortable-home. I twirled down the street's of Ranceburg, Ohio. Originally, I was born in Portland, Oregon. It wasn't much of a change because the weather here is much like Portland's. 

I stepped in a puddle of mud. What a wonderful way to start the morning. At least I was wearing brown skinny jeans so it's not too badly noticeable, but my red vans on the other hand... they look like someone painted them with black abyss crap and brown poop. Fantastic. I went behind 7-11 and turned on the hose to hose off my old shoes that I basically slept with. They were my religion. I loved them and even named them. Red Riders.

7 blocks to go, then I'll be at the Library I still didn't know the name of. I had been working at this library for a few months now. I don't get paid, it's just volunteer work because I hate the thought of sitting around doing nothing when there are things that could be done. I just hate being home, I decided. 

When I arrived at the Library it was 20 minutes after 9:00 am, and I was already sweating. I really needed to go to the doctors and figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I wondered time and time again if it was genetic, or if it was all in my head and I was hallucinating from all of those rainbow pills my doctors force down my throat to get rid of my asthma, pneumonia, and of course, my stupid Multiple Personality Disorder. My doctors keep trying to convince me i'd be safer in a ward but I refuse. Who would take care of my mom?

He's here today. The boy i'd so blankly had a crush on. He'd always get the same books and I never knew why. I told him he could buy them if he wanted but he always said the same thing, "I prefer coming back every week and seeing a pretty girl like you. If I bought them, that experience would be taken away and then I wouldn't have a good excuse to come to the library,"  Every time he said it my heart beat a little faster. I liked that feeling because I had convinced myself I didn't have a heart beat anymore and it's reassuring to feel it beat again.

His name was Oskar Adolfus. He was from Sweden and had those breathtaking blue eyes and brown shaggy hair that fell past his ears. He was a fan of HIM which amused me because I also enjoyed HIM. Oskar was really pale, but it was a cute pale, the kind of pale you would see on a person after they've seen a ghost. But it fit his Swedish background. We never really talked to each other. But I found out his age. He's 15. Sometimes I sketch him in my hardback-notebook with dark blue flowers painted across it. I draw hearts around him and think that he is my true love. But i'm too shy to really say anything else but, "Have a nice day," and , "you know you can buy them instead of repeatedly checking them out.." 

When Oskar came up to me a pure wave of adrenalin washed over me like the crashing wave breaking along the sea shore on a grey misty day much like this morning. He flipped his hair to the side and set down --  different books? This was rare. He usually always picked out the same exact books. Mythology was his common interest. But now he's set "How to ask the girl of your dreams out," and , "20 days for love." down onto the counter. I accidently gasped and he blushed then I blushed and looked down and away.

"I've read them multiple times but never checked them out," He admitted in his Swedish accent. I loved hearing his voice and sometimes I imagine listening to it for hours. My blush grew a deeper red and was even more noticeable. Which made me not want to look at him. 

"Bella-" He started before I abruptly cut him off.

"You know my name?" I wished I didn't say anything at all. I wished I wasn't so stupid and I wished I could have just thought before I spoke.

He grinned and nodded, "Yeah, how could I not know the name of a girl of such beauty?"

I blushed and he continued, "I was going to ask you to dinner,"

yes yes a million times yes!!!! i wanted to shout. But instead I settled for the more non-obsessive-overly-excited tone, "I'd love too."

I didn't want him to see where I lived for fear my mother would come to the door and scare him off. So he reluctently agree'd to meet me at the park 5 minutes from my home. He told me he'd pick me up at 7:00.

The day dragged on and seemed to never end. After Oskar left, I decided to leave early too. I went to the outlet mall and picked out a cute dress from Hot topic and some new fishnets - Because mine were almost unusable now. I also bought myself a new bow with a heart in the middle of it. I'd never been on a date before so I assumed you had to pay for your own dinner, so I managed to grab some money from my mom and then waited at 6:30 for Oskar.

"Hey," Oskar said, startling me. I acknowledged him with a sly smile and then got up from the swing.

"You're early," I commented.

"You are too," He pointed out. I giggled and then climbed into his car. It smelled like him. Vanilla mixed with cherries and a sweet pine. I suddenly grew attached to it. "So, where are we going?"

"Chinese buffet. Never been there but it sounds... asian." He admitted solomnly.

I laughed and then cupped my hands over my mouth, a little embarassed.

Oskar drove me home a little after nine which was okay with me because i didn't really mind spending time with him. Infact, I think it's my new favorite thing to do. I gave him my number. Tomorrow's Sunday - Which means the Library is closed and I won't get to see Oskar. That was the downside to today.